Women cannot stress to me enough how non-relational their husbands or partner are. Unfortunately the men often respond to these complaints by saying the women are overly critical and insatiable. They end up ignoring the complaints, changing nothing, and saying anything they did would never be enough for her anyway.
Unfortunately, a high percentage of these men are paying a heavy price for this lack of skill.
For those men who are brave enough to work their relationship muscles–in spite of how your friends or our culture will respond–here’s your cheat sheet on how to move a little beyond respect and into more connection:
- When your partner is sharing her day with you—please do not move into solving. Men often struggle with wanting to solve everything for women. When they actually sit down to hear about their wife’s day, they immediately move into fixing it: “Did you try this?” “Next time you should say this.” “Your boss is out of line, you should go back and tell him…” Stop solving!!! When you respond to your wife’s sharing by trying to solve something you’re implying that she’s incapable of solving it herself. This is incredibly frustrating for your wife. You’re also assuming that there’s a problem to be solved. Often women share just to relay information, not to change something. Sit back, listen and do not solve unless you have been explicitly asked to do so.
Being relational requires that you consciously work the skills. Anyone can do them if they set their mind to it. Stop blaming your poor people skills on your wife’s critical nature and start stepping up. Although I’m targeting men with these skills, it’s important to note that women need to be practicing these same skills. Men and women need to be modeling healthy relationships for their children if they have any hope of the children being relational themselves.
CHALLENGE: If you happen to be a man who’s partner is often complaining that you’re non-relational, then get the courage to start being present for your family. Place these tips on a 5×7 card and place the card where you can see them daily. Begin to incorporate them into your daily routine and watch what happens.