It seems like some people think it’s okay to slam a colleague by making some outlandish remark in front of the entire team. These comments are often met with knowing chuckles, uncomfortable silence, eye-rolling and/or angry responses. Unfortunately seldom are these comments directly dealt with, either by management or by the person being put down.
All of the above responses are exactly how you do NOT want to respond when someone is being obnoxious. When you silence, roll your eyes or chuckle in response to someone’s poor treatment, you send the message that what they’re doing is okay. When you respond with an angry intensity, you take the focus off of what the other person did and onto your over-the-top reaction. None of these responses are effective.
Instead try one of the solutions below and notice what happens as a result:
1. Be a mirror. Being a mirror means simply playing back to the person his or her own behavior. For example, if Tom laughs at Sally’s marketing idea and makes a sarcastic comment, Sally can simply say, “Tom, that was dismissive.” This simple statement draws attention to Tom’s comment and highlights the nastiness of it without being harsh or nasty yourself. Often, the other person feels caught with their pants down, so to speak, and will quickly apologize.
If Sally wanted to make more of a point she could state, “Wow Tom that shut me down. Was that your intent?” When we hold a mirror up to another person’s behavior –in a respectful, centered way—it is an effective way to address mean-spirited behavior without getting mean-spirited ourselves.
2. Make a request. If someone is being rude or hurtful in a meeting, take a deep breath, slow yourself down and then step in and make a direct request. For example, “Tom it would be more helpful to our team if you would offer ideas rather than making fun of them or shutting them down. Would you work on that?” The bottom line regarding requests is you can’t be angry about not getting something you never asked for.
3. Set a limit. If you have a colleague who is repeatedly being rude, mean-spirited or obnoxious, then it’s time to set a limit with them. With Tom for example, you could pull him aside after a meeting and matter of factly state that the next time he shuts down your ideas in a meeting you will address it in front of the entire team. If it happens again in a meeting you then need to address it directly in the meeting. Often obnoxious colleagues are the most obnoxious with those who are the least likely to call them out. Deal with the behavior directly and don’t back down hoping it will stop—it seldom does when left alone.
4. Get the backing of like-minded colleagues. There is strength in numbers so pay attention to who else is annoyed by the Tom’s in your office. Usually there are other co-workers who are rolling their eyes to the sarcastic comments. Eye rolling is a key sign they don’t like Tom’s comments anymore than you do. See if they’re willing to have your back if you stand up to him in a meeting.
5. Speak to your boss. If you’ve tried all of the above and still nothing seems to change it, consider going to your boss and ask that they address Tom’s comments directly so that team meetings can be more effective. If a couple other colleagues are willing to speak to the boss with you—even better.
When it comes to workplace conflict, the best thing to do is address it directly. Don’t duck, yell, roll your eyes or complain behind the person’s back about their behavior. Hold a mirror up to them, make a request or set a limit. Anything else is likely to insure the behavior continues.
CHALLENGE: The next time someone at work is obnoxious, deal with the behavior directly and respectfully. Regardless of their response, notice how you feel when you stand up for yourself in a clean way. Let me know how it goes!