Have you ever received a random email or text that just immediately set you off? You know the ones — they insinuate you did something or attack your character or name some absurd new policy that you can’t believe anyone in their right mind could’ve thought up. Or perhaps it’s a biting text from your child or spouse or a breakup text from someone you’re dating? Regardless of what the content is or how you received it, the results are the same—it causes an immediate visceral reaction right through you.
Often, as soon as you receive these little provocations, the first thing you want to do is shoot off some quick-witted quip that puts the other person in their place or sends a stern message that lets them know exactly how you feel about their message. But the LAST thing you should do is respond reactively. Rather than firing off that reactive retort, take a moment to use some of these tips:
Before responding:
- Pause. This is probably the most important tip of all—simply pause. Take a step back and don’t do anything. You have to process the information you received with a cool head and you can’t do that if you’re bulldozing ahead without thinking. Step away from the computer or phone and DO NOT TYPE ANYTHING.
- Breathe. Once you’ve stepped away and stopped your digits from pounding off some un-thought out answer—BREATHE. Take a deep, slow breath—in to the count of four and release it to the count of four. When you do that be sure you are concentrating on slowing your heart rate down. Take another deep breath, then another and so on until your heart rate is calm and steady.
- Read the information again—only this time with boundaries. Sometimes things can come across in writing in a way that it was not intended. Re-read the information, giving the person the benefit of the doubt and with a less-reactive lens.
- Write an uncensored draft. After you’ve calmed down, you can write an uncensored response that you will NEVER send. This is just to clear out your anger and reactivity and allow you the space to write a more thought out response.
In the response:
- Stay on point and off character. Always take the high road in any response you send—you’ll feel better and the results will be better. Keep your response on the issue at hand and NOT on the person’s character. Stick to the facts and don’t make assumptions about a person’s intentions.
- Do no harm. Be respectful and “clean” in your responses to people. Do not call names, swear or cut someone down in writing (or in person). Don’t try to “make the other person hurt like they made you hurt.”
- Imagine that the entire world will read your response. My mother once told me, “Lisa, don’t ever put anything in writing that you don’t want the whole world to read.” This piece of advice has saved me many times J.
- Run your response by someone who is “grounded.” When you’re done throwing out your uncensored draft and have written a level-headed response, have someone you trust look it over. Be sure this person is someone who is calm and grounded, not reactive. They will have the more objective perspective that’s needed at these times J.
The next time you feel the temperature rising within you in response to a text or the like, slow yourself down. Although firing off a quick, reactive comeback may feel good at first, it seldom, if ever, will help you in the long run. Get grounded, stay respectful and be sure that the wise adult in you — rather than the petulant child — is the one who ultimately responds.
Challenge: The next time you’re stewing from an e-mail/text, etc., practice the steps above. Remove reactivity from the equation and get grounded. Practice this every time.