I’ve heard clients swear things will be different once they — get married, have children, change jobs or _____ (fill in the blank). Usually the rationalizations sound something like; “Once we get married he’ll realize how much he loves me and he’ll treat me better.”; or “Once we have children, he’ll be home more”; or “Once we get married, she’ll know I’m committed and she will trust me.” The person is so sure that things will be different, that they use marriage or children etc. as a solution to problems that have been a part of their relationship for a very long time.
This belief could not be further from the truth. The problems that exist in a relationship prior to marriage or children etc. only get compounded under the stress of marriage and children; they do not get fixed. If for example your partner has cheated on you throughout your dating relationship, then I can almost guarantee that s/he will cheat on you in your marriage. If your partner works all the time, barely calls, and puts you 2nd, 3rd or last in their life, then s/he will continue to work, not be around and put you anyplace but first in their life after you get married. This is not to say that people can’t change, however do not be blind to what is in front of you. If you have asked your partner to work on a particular behavior and they have said they would yet continue to do the behavior, then guess what? They will continue to do the behavior.
Marriage or children or re-location is not going to change a serious problem in a relationship. The only time change happens is when a person makes a decision to change and then works like crazy to make it happen. Until then — if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…then it is a duck… and will continue to be a duck whether you marry it or not.
Challenge: Are there any relationship issues that are bothering you that you are not addressing? If so, be careful not to minimize them or think they will magically go away once you______ (fill in the blank). Decide to address them directly and come up with a plan; do not rely on magical thinking to be the solution because it won’t.