A key killer in relationships is defensiveness. If I get defensive every time my partner comes to me about something he doesn’t like, eventually he’s going to give up, blow up or bubble over with frustration and resentment. The same is true if he gets defensive with me. It is a recipe for divorce.
Being defensive is detrimental because it allows no room for repair, compromise or solutions. It‘s a way of walling ourselves off to our partner. Ironically the things we get the most defensive about are the things we need to hear the most. Who are we to think that we never do anything wrong? Perhaps if we learned to be more open to hear about our faults, our partner would be more willing to talk about our strengths.
If our partners are struggling with something we did, then it’s our job to hear them and try to help. We all want to be heard and listened to; this is no different for our partners. We certainly are not going to help the relationship by defending, rationalizing and minimizing our mistakes – – that only results in our partners being more adamant about our faults.
This leads to a crazy dance that looks something like: the more Scot points out Suzy’s faults, the more she defends and minimizes her actions; the more Suzy defends and minimizes her actions the more adamantly Scot points out her faults. This dance can go on incessantly until either Suzy owns up to her behavior and apologizes or Scot gives up or blows up. Suzy owning her part has a much better long term out come. We all make mistakes the trick is acknowledging them, apologizing and not repeating them.
When we listen to what our partners would like us to do differently and give them what they ask, it can be healing for both of us. Imagine if our partners did the same for us…what a gift!
Challenge: The next time your partner talks to you about something you did that they didn’t like, throw them a curve ball – – Listen, apologize and agree to do it differently in the future.