Are your in-laws driving you crazy? Is your partner complaining about your parents or siblings? Are you both struggling to find a healthy balance with your families of origin? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions then you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in a loyalty bind between their family of origin and their nuclear family.
So what do you do? Who comes first, your parents or your spouse? The answer to this question is–your spouse. Every time. Be very protective of your relationship. Imagine putting a protective “bubble” over the couple-ship. If you have children, then include them in this bubble. All other people are outside this bubble and come after your current family. All decisions are made from this place.
If you get stuck in the middle of your spouse and outside family members then follow these tips:
1. If your parents are treating your partner poorly–speak to them. Don’t ask your partner to
do so.
2. If members of your family of origin are intrusive–set limits. Be clear about when and under
what circumstances they can be involved with your family.
3. Do not bad-mouth each other’s parents or siblings. If you don’t like something they did then
speak about the behavior not the person.
4. If you are in doubt about who to side with, error on the side of your spouse.
5. Make time for your family as much as possible. Do not allow your families of origin to
disrupt this time.
Remember that you can love your parents, respect their input and ultimately choose what is best for you and your family. If your families of origin don’t respect that, then set limits with them.
Challenge: If your partner has been complaining about the role parents or siblings are playing in your relationship, take the time to listen. Brainstorm with your partner possible solutions and then take action to handle it. Remember to keep the protective bubble over you, your partner and your children…everyone/thing else is second.