I work with couples all the time grappling with what to do with their relationship. They wonder if they should stay together or if the love is gone and it’s time to end it. One of the partners will often say s/he needs some time and space to figure it out. In my opinion, this is not the best way to decide if you can find the love again. In fact it is the exact opposite of what you want to do.
For those of you who have lost the passion and want to know if you can get it back, I believe that the best way to answer that is to step into the relationship and work it–not step out of it and think it.
Stepping into the relationship requires that both of you do things differently. You both must be fully present with one another, have an open heart and be actively taking steps towards closeness (i.e. increasing affection, spending more one-on-one time together, listening as though you care what your partner is saying etc.).
If you were to step away from the relationship and “think”, you are depriving yourself of a key relational sense…feeling. It is common for couples to slowly distance from one another it they are not careful. The everyday demands of life can sneak up on a couple and create a distance that they never had before. That doesn’t mean they are not meant to be together or they cannot get the passion back. It could just mean that life crept up on them and took them off course; with a good compass, a little determination and a willingness to steer back on course, they can be back on track and better than before.
So if you’re not sure if you’re in-love with your partner or if you’ll be able to get the love back, then be smart about how you try to figure that out. Use my rule as your guide: “If you want to make a decision about your relationship then step into it and work it–don’t step out of it and think it.”
Challenge: If you know you don’t want to be in this relationship no matter what, then tell your partner so. If however, you’re not sure, then step into it and work it and see what happens. You may discover feelings you never thought you had. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you gave it your best effort and now you know.