This past week I’ve been with my sister who’s going through breast cancer treatment. It has reminded me of the importance of being surrounded by people who fuel you.
My sister has been blessed to have so much love and support, it has been a gift to watch. Experiencing this with her has led me to think of all the people who don’t have that in their life.
So many people are struggling in relationships that are abusive, emotionally draining, hurtful, or just plain cold. It’s not enough. We all deserve to have love in our life—love that nourishes and soothes. If we don’t have it, then perhaps it’s time to make some changes. Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Do your loved ones add to your life, take away from your life, or simply exist in your life?
I’m always surprised by how good it feels to clean out my closets. I don’t hold onto things that don’t suit me anymore, I make room for clothes that help me feel good, and I create space for clothes that push me a bit to move outside of my comfort zone.
Cleaning out my closets led me to think about the importance of cleaning out our relationships. If we have relationships that are not fueling us and keeping us down, then it’s time to start cleaning them up.
For example, it’s time to clean up your relationships if:
1. You’re in a marriage where your spouse dismisses you, acts as if you don’t exist, or is abusive verbally, emotionally, or physically.
2. You have friends who are always asking you for help but seem to never be available when you need help.
3. You have family members who constantly bring you down.
Cleaning up your relationships doesn’t mean getting rid of people in your life. It does mean taking an honest look at the relationships you have and deciding which of those are costing you more than they are adding to you.
Once you have this list, look at the three basic rules of engagement below and see which, if any, of these is not being followed in a particular relationship. Note: It’s important to remember that you also need to follow these rules yourself.
Three Basic Rules of Engagement:
1. People in my life must be respectful. They may not call me names, insult me, swear at me, or diminish me in any way.
2. Loved ones must treat me lovingly. They need to show me they love and/or care about me with both their words and their actions.
3. People closest to me must be supportive when I’m going through difficult times. I will do the same for them.
Once you know which relationships need cleaning up and which rules are not being followed, pay attention to how it shows up in your relationship with this person. Pay attention to how you feel when you are around this person, what you do when this person violates one of the three basic rules, and how you would like this relationship to change. Soon you will need to change the unspoken agreement between you and the people who are taking away from your life. For now just note it. My next post will explain how to change this agreement.
Challenge: Take some time this week to sit by yourself and think about the close relationships in your life. First assess each relationship to determine if it adds to your life, takes away from your life or simply just exists in your life. For those that take away or simply exist, assess where they fall in terms of the three basic rules. Note how you feel when in this person’s presence and how you would like to be different. (Remember Changing Me, Changes We).