I believe parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. If you’re not a parent then you have no idea. If you are a parent then I’m betting you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I remember when I used to work with families before I had children of my own. I used to hate it when the parents would ask me if I had my own children. I would fumble around and tell them that although I did not have children, I understood how difficult parenting could be…I had no idea.
These parents would look at me with those knowing, dismissive eyes and pacify me while I explained all “the right” ways to parent. They would question me about a thousand scenarios and I would tell them what all the experts say. When they wanted an answer that wasn’t from a textbook I did my best.
Now that I’m a parent, I look back at those days and realize how clueless I was. I wasn’t giving them wrong information I just had no idea how difficult it was to actually implement the things I was telling them to do. Since then I have become acutely aware of the difficulties of being a good parent.
Now, from this side of the fence, let me tell you some of the things I’ve learned…
1. I’ve learned that I cannot ask my children to handle their anger if I cannot handle my own.
2. I’ve learned that children will do what they see, not what they are told. Although I knew this intellectually, it is miserable to watch it happen in front of my eyes. Whether it’s watching my son leave things where he last used them—just like his forgetful mother–or listening to my children fight to be the best—yes, that’s me too (ugh!)–it’s not fun watching “mini-me’s” walk around my home. It’s particularly not fun when it’s all my worst parts that I see.
3. I’ve learned that it’s vital that I not retaliate when my children push my buttons. Pia Mellody talks about couples throwing “bombs” at one another; I see it as my kids throwing water balloons at me. It takes every fiber of my being to not catch the water balloon and just whip it back at them…and yet I know that is what I need to do.
4. I’ve learned that changing me will change my children. If I’m not sure what part of me I need to work on, then all I need to do is look at my children. They’re a great mirror.
5. I’ve learned that it is impossible to be a perfect parent because even being that will lead to perfectionism in your children…not to mention that we can’t be human and perfect at the same time. We, as parents, will drop the ball at times, throw back the water balloons, do things we swore we would never do, forget things that are important, make mistakes daily, and in general be utterly imperfect. And, as long as we continue to try our best, love our children unconditionally, treat them with respect, repair when we mess up, and always have their best interests at heart then we are ahead of the game.
Challenge: Be the best parent you can be and remember: Changing me, Changes my children. If you see something in your children you don’t like, look at yourself first. Is there a way that you are teaching them that behavior? If so, work it. If not, then be respectful in your discipline and be generous in your love and nurturance.