One of the most rewarding aspects of relationships can be the realization that your partner “has your back,” that you both have each other’s back. With this realization comes a sense of teamwork and partnership that fuels you.
This past weekend two things happened that reminded me of this in my relationship. The first was when my husband and I were at the soccer fields for our kids. The team parent had sent me an e-mail the previous week and I unfortunately forgot to reply. The parent commented on my lack of reply, I apologized and assured her I would do better in the future. Five minutes later my husband went up to ask her to include his name on the e-mail at which point she complained to him that I didn’t reply. My husband responded by saying that I have a very busy schedule and that his has a lot of flexibility so it’s easier for him to reply to e-mails. When he told me what he said, I thanked him and told him it was nice to know he had my back. He laughed and said, “Of course I have your back.” I felt a great sense of comfort.
The second incident occurred when my husband and I were talking to our children about taking better care of our dog (an adorable chocolate lab puppy). The kids were arguing about who took her out the most, and whose turn it was to take her for a walk. My husband’s response was, “You know your mom and I never fought about whose turn it was to change your diapers or whose turn it was to get up in the middle of the night. We just did it. We didn’t keep score. We helped each other take care of the two of you because we love you both and that’s what family does—you help one another.”
I was struck by this, even though it was years ago that our children were in diapers, because he was right. He and I worked as a team. Fortunately we continue to work as a team today. If he’s tired or not feeling well, I pick up the slack. If I’m tired, he picks up the slack. If we’re both okay, then we both work together to get everything done.
In our house we both do everything, from the laundry to the dishes. We view our house and our family as “ours,” therefore it is up to both of us to take care of things. How do you and your partner work together? You don’t have to work it out like we do but you do have to make up the rules together. If both of you agree on the rules then there will be less resentment and more teamwork.
Couples need to realize it’s not a competition. Life is hard. You can be a solo player or a team player—the choice is up to you. Being a team player is much less demanding, more rewarding, and not nearly as lonely. Being a solo player on a team makes life more difficult for everyone. If you don’t pull your weight, then everyone else has to pull it for you. After a while, they’ll want you off their team—it’s just too much dead weight for them to carry.
Challenge: Talk to your partner about working as a team and see if s/he will agree to abide by the team rules: Support one another when s/he needs it, pick up the slack if one of you needs a break, don’t bad mouth each other to anyone, and don’t keep score—you’re on the same team, remember?