I often hear women complain about their partner’s lack of emotional connection, reluctance to share, or frequent withdrawal at home. They are often so angry about this that they can barely contain themselves. When I ask how they handle this, they often spit out a list of behaviors that include yelling, screaming, crying, pleading, complaining, demanding, and at some point giving up. If I ask the famous Dr. Phil question, “So how’s that working’ for ya?” they often reply that it’s not.
A long time ago I handled this issue much differently than I do today. You see, before, I would assume that the man was totally off base and needed some help learning how to connect. What I’ve since realized however, is that while this can be the case in some situations, it is not the case nearly as often as I thought.
Many men would love to speak to their wives—if they were safe to speak to.
I have worked with many women, in my office and on the phone, who have been so toxic in their response to their partner’s attempts at sharing that they have in many ways shut him down. When I bring this up, the women are livid at me. They let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I obviously am not getting the entire picture; if I did, then I would realize that their toxicity is justified and totally because of his lack of connection.
I then watch her step all over him as he attempts to share what he’s feeling. He says he’s nervous about finances and she says he’s not nervous he’s just using that as an excuse to control her. He says he feels hopeless because every time he tries to help out with the kids she steps in and takes over because she doesn’t like how he’s doing it. She spits back, “Well, if you did it right in the first place I wouldn’t have to step in, would I?”
This goes on every day. He shares, she discounts. He tells her what he’s feeling, she tells him that’s not really what he’s feeling. Eventually he stops sharing and she complains that he never talks to her about anything that’s going on with him.
If we want our partners to share themselves with us then we must be a soft landing for them to share. A soft landing means we must be willing to hear what they say even if we don’t like it or agree with it; we have to listen with an open heart. It’s important that we listen with the humility that perhaps we don’t know what they’re thinking/feeling better than they do.
If there are nine-inch nails on an airport runway, why would the pilot want to land on that runway? Similarly, if we are not safe for our partners to speak to, then why would they speak to us? We cannot annihilate our partners when we don’t like what they’re saying and then complain that they don’t speak.
Challenge: If you find yourself complaining to your partner that s/he doesn’t share, first look to see if you are providing a soft landing for him/her. If not, work on this.
(Note: This can also occur in the reverse; men not being a soft landing for women).