When I work with clients on their relationships, I stress the concept of Changing Me, Changes We and I encourage clients to become the person they wish to be with. I believe that the healthier we become, the healthier are relationships will be; it all starts within ourselves.
That said, below is a questionnaire I use with couples/individuals sometimes to help gain clarity on what each person needs to work on within the relationship. It can be a great road map for people if they answer the questions honestly. I hope you find it helpful.
CHANGING YOURSELF FIRST
You cannot attract healthy relationships or communities if you are not relationally healthy with-in yourself.
1. What is some feedback you have been given by your partner that you have not wanted to believe or that is difficult to hear? (Ie. You can be bossy, critical, etc.)
2. What 3 qualities do you have that you would not want in a partner?
• Work on these and change them.
3. What 3 qualities do you have that you would want in a partner?
• Strengthen these
4. What additional qualities do you want in a partner?
a. Do you have these qualities? If not, work on them.
5. What steps would you need to make to become the partner you wish to be with?
6. A standard is a rule we live by. For example, one of my standards is it is not okay to call people names. List 3 standards you have and next to each one rate your self on how well you follow this standard yourself. Use a scale of 1-10 (1= never follow this standard; 10 = practically always follow this standard).
a. I.e. Calling others names in anger: Myself: 9
Do a separate rating on how well you hold your partner accountable for following this standard with you. Note how you hold her/him accountable.
• I.e. Hold partner accountable for calling me names: 9
If he calls me a name I tell him it’s not okay to speak to me like that and I ask for an apology. If he does not acknowledge what I said or apologize, I end the conversation and leave the room until he can apologize and speak respectfully.
Note: When your score is between 8 & 10, then you are ready to hold others accountable for this same standard. Until then, practice what you
preach.
7. Are you authentic? Do you share your honest opinion with your partner or do you tell him/her what he/she wants to hear.
a. Are there certain times when this is more difficult to do than others? If so, what are those times?
b. Remember you cannot be intimate if you don’t share what is going on for you. Begin to share, on a more honest level, what is really going on for you. Start this with the people in your life you trust the most.
Challenge: Answer the questions above and begin to work on becoming the person you wish to be with. Be sure to answer each question from an authentic, open-hearted, humble place or this will not be helpful.
Note: If you’re not sure about some of the answers, then ask a trusted friend, family member or your partner.