Relationships are hard work even in the best of situations. In relationships where things aren’t very good to begin with, things can be excruciatingly difficult. So when is it that enough’s enough? When is it time to pull the plug or be clear about what you need in order to stay?
I have been struggling with this very question in one of my professional relationships and I must say I wish there was a clear answer. Before I discuss when to end things, let me start with my belief that before you leave any relationship, I believe it’s important you earn your way out. Earning your way out means you do everything in your power to make it work. You work your end as best you can.
Working your end means, do the best you can to be relational and respectful at all times, make changes your partner has been asking you to make, and be clear about what you need from your partner and speak these needs directly.
If and when you have done all of the above, then you can evaluate whether it’s time to stay or go. Below are a few questions to ask yourself to help with this decision:
1. When you look at the entire picture what is the cost to benefit ratio? In other words, are the benefits outweighing the costs? To figure this out make a list of both and put a priority on each so they each carry a different weight with them. Therefore although there may be several more costs than benefits, the three benefits that you are getting may be worth more than the 20 costs.
2. Does your partner listen to your issues and try to respond as best s/he can or does s/he deny, dismiss or turn things around on you no matter how relationally you state them? If you’re partner is not willing to listen to your concerns then it’s unlikely s/he will be changing anything. Can you live with her/him for the next ten years and be happy?
3. Is your partner cherishing more times than not and does s/he have your best interest at heart?
4. Does this relationship fuel you at least 50% of the time or does it zap you of your energy, emotional health and feelings of self worth? If it zaps you more than fuels you, you’re in trouble—request changes directly, seek help if necessary, and if partner refuses then it’s time to ask yourself if you’ve done everything to earn your way out.
5. Is your partner willing to seek help with you and work on this marriage or is s/he stating that this is who s/he is so deal with it? If s/he is willing to work on it then find a competent therapist or relationship coach and see if the relationship is workable.
Finally, if you answer these questions and realize you are on the verge of leaving, let your partner know. Be clear that if these needs don’t get met, you will leave. It’s important that you don’t just walk out without first giving your partner a heads up. Be clear about what needs to change and let him/her know how long you are willing to work on this relationship. For example, this may sound like: “I’m unhappy in this relationship. I need for you to spend more time with the family and less time at the office. I will give you three months to try to work this and if, in that time, you are unable or unwilling to do this, I will begin taking steps toward separation.”
Challenge: If you are unhappy in your relationship and contemplating leaving, take the time to decide what you need to do on your end first then do it.
Next, use the questions above to help you with your decision. When you are clear state your needs with your partner and inform her/him what you will do if s/he doesn’t meet them.