I am appalled at how our military culture often treats soldiers who emotionally struggle upon their return home from war. The military’s predominant “suck it up and be a man” attitude is wreaking havoc not only on marriages, families, and friendships, but on our culture at large.
We send our 18 year old “men” to Iraq and ask them to: kill, watch their friends die right in front of them, be prepared at any moment for a surprise enemy attack, and to watch as suicide bombers are blowing up bodies all around them…and then, we say, “Oh yeah, and don’t be affected by that.”
According to NPR: (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6575431)
“Army studies show that at least 20 percent to 25 percent of the soldiers who have served in Iraq display symptoms of serious mental-health problems, including depression, substance abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”
I would guess that another 20-25% hide any possible symptoms they have, for dear life. These soldiers have had drilled into them, the importance of being “strong”. They are well aware of the fact that if they show fear, sadness or vulnerability, they will be seen, minimally, as “weak”.
NPR reported that, “Almost all of the soldiers said that their worst problem is that their supervisors and friends turned them into pariahs when they learned that they were having an emotional crisis. Supervisors said it’s true: They are giving some soldiers with problems a hard time, because they don’t belong in the Army.”
It seems that it is not at all uncommon for our military to profess to be providing mental health services on the one hand, and then behind closed doors, slam the soldiers for using, or needing to use, these very services.
“Referring to soldiers with PTSD, recently retired sergeant Nathan Towsley told NPR that “I don’t like people who are weak-minded.” He said he’d never be caught going to a therapist.” (Note: The article goes on to state that since this report he is now in therapy).
It’s time for our military to wake up and stop believing that our soldiers are or should be stoic, unemotional, automatons. They are human beings who are witnessing traumatic events that most people will never know. Putting pressure on these men to “suck it up and be strong” may serve our country well when in the midst of war however, it’s killing our country in the long run.
Wives and children cannot warm up to an automaton. Boys cannot learn to become healthy fathers if they are living with a robot. The fact that these soldiers are struggling upon their return home—tells me they’re human.
It is not a sign of weakness to feel. It is a sign of humanity. The sooner our country gets this, the sooner these families and many others can begin to heal.
If we don’t want our soldiers to be affected by the atrocities of war, then we have two possible solutions:
1. Don’t go to war.
2. Send robots not people.
Otherwise, if we choose to send people to war, then our military needs to “stand up and be a man,” and have the courage to deal with a problem head on, without burying it or pretending it’s not there.
Part of being human is to struggle. Let’s be a bit more forgiving of one another and ourselves for this. Let’s also work on supporting one another–without judgment, shame, or condescension.
Our culture in general can learn from the mistakes of the military. When we put pressure on people (men, women, or children) to wall off their feelings, we shut them down to intimacy. We assist in making them relationally handicapped and cheat them and families out of a whole person and a connected human being.
Challenge: Watch the messages you give to loved ones around being strong and tough. Pay attention to the ways you shut down a part of a person with these messages. Once you’re more aware of this—stop doing it (or stop complaining about not being close—you can’t have it both ways).
Note: To all the military families struggling with PTSD or any other problems from war—I totally get it. My heart goes out to you and your families. Please know that you are anything but weak. To go up against an entire force of military dogma, personnel and history, takes more courage than most people have.