I just read a post on another blog about the importance of loving your partner unconditionally. I couldn’t disagree more on this point. The idea that you should love your partner no matter what s/he does to you is absurd and dangerous thinking I believe.
As parents we love are children unconditionally. It’s our job to let them know that they are loved no matter what. We give them as much love, guidance, and limits as we possibly can and we love them always. Ideally our parents gave the same to us so that we could then grow up and take care of ourselves.
In our adult relationships however, the same rules don’t apply. In these relationships we are responsible for taking care of ourselves; we no longer can rely on our parents or others to protect us and keep us safe. We are also responsible for our actions and need to realize that there are consequences for them.
No longer do we have the right to expect unconditional love from our partners. If we treat our partners in hurtful ways, we run the risk of losing them. We do not have the right to have affairs, be dismissive, cold, harsh, controlling, or rageful and then expect our partners to still be there.
Romantic love is conditional–and should be. We need to take responsibility for our actions and we need to hold our partners responsible for theirs. We can’t be in a mature, healthy relationship otherwise.
If you’re getting the message that you should stand by your partner, or vice versa, no matter what, then it may be time to rethink this message. Standing behind any adult—no matter what s/he does—is poor self care, dangerous, and unrealistic. Expecting another adult to stand by you, no matter what pain you cause, is entitled, irresponsible, and selfish.
Challenge: Live your life by the motto that you deserve to be treated with love and respect as do those you love. Make sure your actions back up these words and know that those you choose to love should be worthy of your love.