Relationships are hard even for the healthiest of individuals; for those who don’t dare to look at their own faults, edges, or dysfunctions, they’re near impossible. Getting out of your own way requires that you know where you go awry. In order to know where you go awry, you have to be willing to have the humility to acknowledge your weaknesses.
I run across many people who have built up such a strong system of protection around themselves that it’s like they’re in a fortress. They are very clear about what is wrong with their partner however they are blind to what their own issues are. When their partner or someone else tries to tell them what their piece may be, they dismiss the feedback. This may sound like:
* “I only do that because of how you act.”
* “You’re just trying to turn things on me because you don’t want to look at your stuff.”
* “I hear what you’re saying, however I disagree with it. I think you see me as your mother (or your father) and it’s your stuff not mine.”
* They may even say to their couple’s therapist, “I think he’s manipulating you which is what he does with all therapists.” Note: People have said this even when the previous three to five therapists have given the same feedback.
Often people who struggle in this area are too defensive to take in feedback others are giving them. It’s as though they surround themselves with a fortress of steel walls that let’s nothing remotely critical in. This fortress shows up as defensiveness, being right, being judgmental, and overall self protection.
It’s not uncommon for this pattern to occur with individuals whose family of origin was either rife with control and being right. They learned that being right was of the utmost importance. After all, their mother or father (typically there’s one parent who was strongly about being right) was always right and showed them how to argue facts, analyze data, only look at what others were doing wrong, and make themselves present as though they had it all together. They learned an unfortunate and incorrect lesson: to admit to any imperfections meant that they were not good enough or less than. To a child that is way too much—so instead they did what they saw. They learned to wall off, become defensive, and protect themselves with the same fortress their parents protected themselves with.
The irony and sad part of this however, is that although the fortress keeps them protected on some emotional level, it also leaves their relationship more vulnerable to break up and divorce. In the end their fortress actually puts their happiness at greater risk. People don’t like to hug a fortress—it’s not comforting. They also don’t like to be in a relationship with someone who believes they do no wrong—it’s unattractive.
If you got the message that being imperfect is anything but human, know that is a crazy message. Being right about how wrong your partner is doesn’t benefit you or your partner. So whether you seldom acknowledge your own faults because you’re all about being right about the faults of others, or because you got the message that you had to be perfect to be worthy, know trait will hurt all of your relationships.
Being imperfect is being human. Taking in constructive feedback about your edges takes strength and an enormous degree of health. Get out of your own way, embrace your humanity, and listen to the feedback your partner is giving you—s/he knows you better than you think.
Challenge: If you struggle with acknowledging your weaknesses and use a fortress of being right, arguing facts, and/or defensiveness, then take a risk–and listen. Take in what is said with the humility that there may be some truth in it.