Before you can complain about all the things your partner is or is not doing, you have to clean up your act. You’ve heard me say it too many times to count, and yet it still remains true: the only person you can control is yourself.
So start controlling yourself and back off of your partner!
Stop telling your partner things like:
• “You’re acting like that because of your unresolved issues from your childhood.”
• “You’re just like your mother/father…get help!”
• “You’re seriously depressed and need to take medication.”
• “Your therapist is not good; you should change and call this therapist instead.”
If you find yourself speaking any of the above, or making any other unsolicited “offering” of advice about what is going on with your partner… you are OFF. Not only are you off, I’m betting that consequently, your partner is probably not listening. S/he is also probably not changing.
So–save yourself the hassle, and the breath, (since it’s not working anyway) and instead, put all that energy into changing you. I realize this is a bit more humbling and annoying, however, I promise you will receive much better results.
Below are quick easy examples of how to work your side even when your partner isn’t working theirs:
• If your partner doesn’t listen–change the way you speak.
• If your partner is often frustrated with you and snaps–change the way you listen (tip: listen with love, boundaries, and limits)
• If your partner doesn’t follow through on agreements–make what if contracts and take action versus complaining and yelling.
• If your partner is screaming at you in a restaurant–stop eating, stop listening, and leave. If you both drove together–take a taxi home. If it happens often–drive separately.
Ultimately you are the one and only person in this world in charge of your fate. If you don’t like where your relationship is at, do something about it. If you don’t want to do something about it, then stop complaining and accept it without resentment.
Don’t be a martyr, don’t suck the life out of your home environment, and don’t be a rug to be walked over; see the problem and decide what steps you are going to take to fix it–steps that don’t include changing your partner.
Challenge: If you’ve been complaining to your partner about how s/he is in general, or about something in particular, take a step back and look at yourself. Stop the complaining and start changing your aspect of the equation.