John agreed to stay in the marriage after his wife had an affair seven years ago. She was remorseful, apologized repeatedly, and went to great lengths to repair the damage she’d done. John has tried to make her pay ever since.
Susan agreed to stay in her marriage after her husband was verbally abusive for years. He sought treatment for his anger, significantly calmed down, and did everything in his power to repair the damage he’d done; Susan has tried to make him pay ever since.
There are a hundred similar scenarios to the ones above where one partner harms the relationship in some way or another and the other partner makes him/her pay for the rest of the marriage for that damage.
Here’s a wake up call to those of you who have been making your partner pay for mistakes they made years ago: Stop it. Either step into the relationship or step out of it, but don’t, for a moment, believe that you have the right to make your partner pay for his/her mistakes from now until eternity; you don’t have that right. Frankly, it’s abusive.
If you chose to stay in your marriage then own that choice. Don’t play the victim for years and say you just can’t get past it. If that’s the case (and at times this is the case), then be honest with your partner and say you can’t get past it–then move on. There is no shame in this. In fact, I believe this is a very loving act when you know in your bones that you will never be able to forgive your partner or let go of the anger.
If your partner has shown authentic remorse, has changed his/her behavior, and is no longer doing the same actions, then it’s time for you to do the same. If you’ve been making your partner pay, own your part, show remorse, and change your actions by warming up and stepping in. It’s time you both truly gave your relationship a shot.
Challenge: Take a moment and objectively look at how you’ve been treating your partner. If s/he has done something hurtful and owned it, repaired it, and changed her/his behavior then have you shown forgiveness? If not, you need to decide if this damage is something you can heal from or not. If not, say so and step out. If so, then warm up and step in or your relationship won’t last–and that won’t be because of your partner’s mistake.