Fear is a powerful force. On the positive side, fear alerts us to dangers and can literally save our lives. On the negative side, it can sabotage our lives. It keeps us in unhealthy relationships, leads us to accept the unacceptable, and allows us to play small in big ways.
Fear keeps us in unhealthy relationships by tricking us into thinking there’s no one else out there. Our fear often paints a very tainted, narrow view of the future. We worry that if we leave our current partner, our next partner will be worse. Perhaps, we fear, we won’t even be able to find another partner.
Not surprisingly, fear keeps us frozen and willing to accept things that no one should accept. We may stay in an abusive relationship due to fear that our partner will harm us if we leave. We stay silent because we’re fearful our words will cause a fight. We accept the cold shoulder because we’re fearful we don’t deserve better. We accept the status quo because to not do so is too scary.
Fear keeps us small. Whether it’s fear of failure, fear of success, fear of not being good enough, or fear of being powerful beyond measure–our fear holds us back. It stops us from shooting for the cherishing relationship that fuels us and keeps us settling for the mediocre or even toxic one that wears us down.
What we don’t realize is all these fears are about the future; all these fears are about “what if’s.” They are about hypothetical stories we create in our minds that end up running our lives and our relationships.
The fear of what if… keeps us from living in what is. Fear gives us tunnel vision: the lens only sees why we can’t and why we shouldn’t; it seldom shows what we can and why we should.
For every fearful thought that tells us to stop, there is an equally powerful voice that tells us to go for it; we just have to be still and listen.
Be still and listen…
CHALLENGE: If you’re struggling to make a move in your relationship due to fear, take a moment to be still and listen. Listen to the part of you that wants to make a move in the first place (i.e. the part that wants to be treated well not disrespectfully.) Clear out all the “what if’s” from your thoughts and only deal with what is. (If you’re scared to leave because you won’t find anyone else, realize that it’s just as likely that you will find someone who’s the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life.) Make your decision from that space.