Too often people accept poor treatment from their loved ones without realizing how toxic that is to the relationship and to families. When we accept poor treatment, we become resentful, we teach our children to either accept poor treatment themselves, or be the perpetrators of poor treatment, we begin to feel unworthy, and we teach others that we’re not important enough to treat well.
You can’t stop your loved ones from doing what they’re going to do; however, you can choose to stop taking it.
Here are some foundational behaviors that everyone in a relationship has the right to expect:
1. To be greeted daily. It is common courtesy to acknowledge someone’s existence and for others to acknowledge yours. When you or your partner comes home, it’s respectful to say hello. It’s cherishing to go the extra step and give your partner a hello kiss and ask how his/her day went. Minimal, however, is the greeting.
2. To be treated respectfully. The Encarta Dictionary defines respect as “a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something.” If you are in an intimate relationship, you deserve to be thought of and treated with high regard…as does your partner. Yes, there will be times when you both will be upset with one another; however, that should not shake the foundation of admiration, high regard, and mutual respect.
This also means that you and your partner hold one another in high regard in and out of one another’s presence. You each deserve to know that if your partner is talking about you to anyone, that s/he is doing so from a sacred place.
3. You have the right to be emotionally and physically safe, as does your partner…at all times. You and your partner have the right to expect that each of you will handle your anger responsibly and that you both will be safe to be in a relationship with. (Note: This means all of the following are OFF the table: shaming, yelling, swearing, name calling, and any form of emotional or physical violence).
4. To have your belongings respected and taken care of. Whether or not you like each other’s belongings is irrelevant; what’s important is that you treat each other’s belongings well. If you use something, put it back the same way and place you found it. If you accidentally break or misplace your partner’s belongings, fix or replace them. Treat your partner’s things as you would like your partner to treat yours.
5. To be supported. Both you and your partner have the right to have your dreams and ambitions, supported, encouraged, and assisted with whenever possible.
In general, any good relationship should have these components and every individual DESERVES these components. It’s up to you to insure you have them. Don’t settle for less, and certainly don’t, for a moment, think you deserve less. If you’re not getting these basic fundamentals, it’s time to take a serious look at your relationship and come up with a plan to fix it and fix you (why are you settling for less???).
CHALLENGE: Take an inventory on your relationship. Go through each point above and assess where you and your partner fall in each area. Use a scale of 1-10 to assess with one meaning you do not have that at all and ten meaning you both are great in this area.
After you’ve done an honest assessment, choose one thing you need to personally work on and begin working on it. Next choose one area your partner needs to work on and hold him/her accountable for doing so.