Over the years I’ve heard many excuses for partners treating each other in emotionally abusive ways. When I say emotionally abusive, what I mean is: calling your partner names, swearing at him/her, yelling or screaming at your partner, belittling him/her, harshly criticizing him/her, saying hurtful things because you are angry, and threatening your partner in any way.
Any and all of the above constitutes poor treatment. Any and all of the above is disrespectful every time and for any reason. There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner in this way… period. This is true whether you are a man or a woman.
That said, it does not mean that we are all perfect and will not have our moments. We are human and will make mistakes. There’s a difference however between making a mistake and owning it, versus justifying that mistake and blaming the other person for it.
Here are some common justifications I hear:
- S/he knows I didn’t mean it when I said those things. I was just angry.
- I wouldn’t have called her those names if she didn’t make me so damn angry.
- S/he knows exactly how to stick it to me so I get angry. S/he does it on purpose and then cries foul when I explode. It’s not my fault; s/he should stop triggering me.
- Look, that’s just the way I talk. She should stop making such a big deal about it and get over it.
If you want to build a close relationship you will be unable to do so if you’re being offensive and verbally abusive to your partner. Swearing at your partner and calling him/her names is toxic to relationships. If you choose to interact with your partner in these ways…your partner will inevitably not want to be around you; if not today or tomorrow, then at some point down the road.
As my mentor Terry Real often states: “If you go out in the rain without an umbrella, you’re going to get wet. Don’t blame me for you getting wet, I’m just the messenger.”
If you choose to be verbally abusive in your relationship, you’re going to harm your relationship. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to get this: people don’t like being around people who hurt them–it’s just not fun. Stop justifying this behavior and instead STOP DOING IT.
CHALLENGE: If you’re being verbally abusive to your partner–stop it…plain and simple. You do not have the right to be hurtful towards your partner and nor does your partner have the right to be emotionally abusive to you. If you’re taking this kind of behavior, stop taking it and if you’re giving it, stop giving it.