Many people seem to think that when there is a problem in a relationship, getting married will make it disappear. I have no idea where this thought or fantasy came from but let me be clear…it is NOT true.
In fact, not only does marriage not cure what ails an ailing couple, it actually intensifies it. Put another way:
- Partners who are mean prior to marriage…get meaner after marriage.
- Drinking problems that were present before the marriage…often intensify after the marriage.
- A partner who cheats prior to the wedding date…is likely to cheat after the wedding date.
- Someone who stays out all night with his/her friends when dating…will probably stay all night when married.
The same is true for having children. I’ve heard many times, from many women, that her partner will settle down and get more responsible once they have children. Women have in fact had children for the main purpose of fixing their relationship.
Hello…that is crazy thinking. Marriage intensifies both the good and the bad in relationships; having children does the same.
If you want to get married, do so because you love your partner, you enjoy being in his/her presence, s/he treats you well, and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person because this relationship ROCKS!
Do not get married to someone in the hopes of changing him/her. Do not get married to someone because you think it will fix your relationship problems. And do not marry someone for his or her potential; marry the reality not the fantasy. You both will be happier for it…even if that means you decide to not get married to each other.
CHALLENGE: If you are struggling in your current dating relationship and contemplating getting married as a solution to those struggles…STOP. Do not expect marriage to save your relationship. Ask yourself why you are getting married and make sure the following three reasons are on that list…or don’t get married:
- I love my partner and enjoy being with him/her.
- My partner is loving, kind, and respectful to me. S/he has my back.
- I like who my partner is as a human being–in my presence and out of my presence–and want to spend the rest of my life with him/her.