I often write about the importance of being respectful in relationships and for a long time assumed clients (and readers) knew what I was talking about. I know this probably was a big assumption to make so now please allow me to back peddle and actually explain what I mean when I say you have to minimally, be respectful to your partner.
The Encarta dictionary defines respect as consideration or thoughtfulness. For those who did not grow up in the healthiest of families, and there are many of us, the concept of consideration and thoughtfulness is vague at best. Let me break it down in concrete terms and give every one a cheat sheet on how to be respectful in their relationships:
Rules of respect:
1. Greet your partner. When you return home from a day at work, a trip, or a jaunt to the grocery store, actually say hello to your partner. When your partner says hello to you…respond back! Don’t nod your head, shrug your shoulders, or ignore your partner…that’s rude and disrespectful. Say hello and ask your partner how his or her day was.
2. Acknowledge your partner when s/he speaks to you. I cannot tell you how many women come into my office complaining that when they speak to their husbands the men don’t say one word back. Not one word! That’s crazy. If your partner is speaking to you, it’s important that you let him/her know that you heard what they had to say. If you don’t know how to respond then just say that you’re not sure how to respond. At least then they know you’re listening.
3. Use a calm tone and non-toxic words. One client I had could not believe it wasn’t okay to swear. He was adamant that it meant nothing and was just his way of blowing off steam. This could not be further from the truth. If you’re swearing in anger, you’re off. It’s NOT respectful. Don’t do it. It’s also disrespectful to yell, call names, or have a harsh tone.
4. Listen to what your partner wants to share not just what you want to hear. Your relationship is not all about you so don’t make it only about you. If your partner wants to share about his/her day–then listen.
5. Be considerate of your partner and don’t be selfish. Don’t stay out all night, party all weekend, ignore your partner’s worries or act as though you’re single. If you want to do whatever you want, whenever you want–then be single. If you're married, spend time with your partner and show him/her. Respect requires that you take your partner’s feelings into consideration when you make decisions. Be considerate of your partner’s feelings and do your very best to protect them.
These are just a few basic rules to follow regarding respect. There are many more however these are a great start. Being respectful requires that you are considerate and thoughtful of your partner in everyway. Take disrespect off the table and watch how it impacts both you and your relationship.
CHALLENGE: Look over the five rules for respect, pick the one you’re weakest in, and commit to work it for the next two to three weeks. Let us know how you did and what you noticed!