This must be the month of make ups? People keep asking me what they should do in response to their partner saying s/he is willing to change and wants to work on things. Some are doubtful their partner is capable of change, others are worried the change won’t last since this isn’t the first time their partner has promised to change, and some aren’t sure they want their partner even if s/he does change. So what’s a person to do?
First let me state that I believe most, if not all, people are capable of change. Substantial, life-altering, lasting change can and does happen…when a person is truly committed to changing. So if you’re wondering if change is even possible, the answer is absolutely. If however, you’re wondering if your partner is going to change, the answer is…I have no idea.
All is not lost however since there are some tell-tale signs that a person is committed to change. Look these over and see if you get a sense of what your partner’s level of commitment is.
- They are backing their words up with actions and you can actually see the changes. I often tell clients to ignore the promises and look at the actions. If your partner is promising to be kinder yet every time s/he gets angry you feel the brunt of that energy, then change is not looking good. If s/he promises to be home more yet continues to be make excuses for not being around, then don’t be too optimistic about change. If, on the other hand, your partner is already incorporating positive changes that you see and feel, then that’s a great sign.
- Your partner is willing to seek help, either with you or on their own, if necessary or if you request it. Many people say they’ll change but they fall far short of actually taking the steps necessary for lasting change. If your partner previously refused to get into therapy or a drinking program or (fill in the blank) and now is agreeing to do whatever s/he needs to do to make the relationship work…that’s a good sign. Note: I mean whatever is necessary NOT a piece of what’s necessary. For example, if you told your partner s/he needed to do therapy with you and now s/he agrees to go…for one session, change is not looking good. People who are truly committed to change will go all out to make the changes and seek the help they need. They don’t negotiate partially.
- Others around them feel the changes. When people truly embrace change, they seem like a different person to everyone around them. You feel different in their presence. If they were harsh, they feel lighter and more fun to be around. If they were a caretaker and mousy, they appear more grounded, confident, and strong. Change is always in the actions and these actions are noticeable. When people change they also are not afraid to show it; they don’t act one way in front of you and a different way behind your back.
- Their old, poor behaviors happen much less often and with a great deal less intensity. Change is a process and as such your partner will make mistakes. These mistakes however will be fewer and farther between than before and they should not be nearly as intense. If your partner is committed to change s/he will also be quicker to repair when these mistakes occur. S/he is quick to apologize and get back on track.
- They own their part and stop blaming you for their actions. When someone is committed to change they take full responsibility for their own actions and don’t rationalize their behaviors (i.e. affair, drinking, harshness, rage, spending etc.) because of yours. If your partner is serious about change, the focus will remain on her or his own actions without pointing the finger at yours. S/he may make requests for you to change some of your actions however a request is different than blame. Requests are healthy; blame is not.
- They change in the ways you’ve asked not in the ways they want. If you’ve been begging your partner to talk to you more, be more affectionate, say kind things, and be softer and instead s/he is doing more chores, being home more but on the computer, and watching TV. with you but without saying a word etc., then it’s not a good sign that s/he’s going to change in the way you’ve asked.
In general, if you’re wondering if your partner really means it this time when s/he swears to you that s/he will change then you need to look at the signs. You should be able to feel the shift, not just hear the words. If you were deaf and couldn’t hear one word your partner said, would you feel the difference in how s/he treated you? Is the rage gone? Can you feel the kindness and love? Is the affair over? Is your partner loving and reassuring when you get triggered or sad from those memories? If there’s a drinking problem, is your partner in a 12-step program? Has the drinking stopped?
If all you are hearing are the words, then don’t be fooled. Change is action. If you don’t see it, feel it, and hear it…then it isn’t there. Don’t look for it, hope for it, or dig for it; it should be obvious and in the area you’ve asked for. Don’t go running back to a relationship on a promise; if you choose to go back, do so because you can honestly feel the change and because it’s a healthy relationship to go back to.
CHALLENGE: If you’re wondering if your partner is truly committed to change, then take a moment to imagine you’re deaf. Can you feel a change? Can others feel the change when in your partner’s presence? Be committed to not fall for the words; simultaneously, be open to take in and changes in action.