I received an e-mail from a blogger asking me to exchange links. Their opening sentence talked about how much they enjoyed my blog and it’s content and therefore placed my link on their blog. The deal they proposed was: they would place my blog link on their blog if I agreed to place their blog link on mine.
Two days later I received an e-mail that they had taken my blog link off of their site because I had not placed their link on mine. Hmm…
Apparently, they only liked my content enough to link to it if I was willing to reciprocate. While I realize this is business and one link helps another, I also know that linking, for the sake of linking, does not help uphold my integrity with my readers. If I choose to link to a blog, it’s because I believe the content of that site will be helpful to my readers…not because I think I’ll get something for it. If I happen to get linked to back–great, that’s like icing on the cake. However, if I don’t, that’s okay; I didn’t do it to get something in return. I did it because it’s the right thing to do.
This is the same for couples. Men and women alike, are constantly saying, “I’ll do it if s/he does it.” Men will say they’ll warm up and give their wives complements if their wives would get off their backs and be more appreciative. Not surprisingly, the wives say they’ll be more appreciative if the husbands would be kinder. Neither makes the first move and they both stay miserable.
They’re both off in their thinking.
If you decide you’re going to do something kind for your partner, you need to do that with a good spirit–not because you expect something in return. If a woman says she’ll work on her constant control if her partner works on his irresponsibility, it’s like saying his responsibility is causing her control; that’s absolutely false. If you choose to work on something in the relationship, do so because that’s your work. Do so because you want to act with integrity. Your partner’s actions are a completely separate entity.
This is not to say that it wouldn’t be wonderful if your partner also responded in kind. Of course we would all like to have our kind deeds met with similar kind deeds; that goes without saying. Unfortunately however, this is not always the case. On the days when it is the case…awesome; soak it in and enjoy the gift. On the days when it’s not the case…that stinks; roll up your sleeves and keep on working your side. Stop expecting reciprocity for everything you do; you’re no longer five years old needing constant praise and reassurance. Step up and do the right thing because…it’s the right thing.
If you give your partner a gift with the expectation that you will get something back, then that’s not a gift. If you want to improve your relationship, then work on your issues. Listen to what your partner is asking you to change and give her/him that gift…because you love your partner, period. No manipulation, no bribery, and no expectation of reciprocity–just a gift.
CHALLENGE: Be determined to make changes in your relationship because you know that’s the right thing to do. Do not expect your partner to give you anything in response. If s/he does, be psyched and say thank you. Reciprocity is great when it happens so enjoy it, don’t expect it.