One of the best predictors of divorce is…withdrawal. Being that I, myself, am a recovered withdrawer, imagine my surprise when I first found this out. Yikes! I remember years ago when my husband and I would get mad about something and I would clam up and shut down. Inevitably my husband would try talking to me about it and I would just stay in lock down mode for sometimes 2-3 hours. I didn’t just get quiet and take some time to myself, I would instead refuse to speak and passive aggressively make him pay for whatever imperfection he showed. I can’t imagine how utterly frustrating that was for him…
Fortunately, somewhere along the line, I learned the error of my ways and actually became relational–which is good for my husband of course, and for you readers.
Over the past decade I have come across numerous withdrawers who have utterly frustrated their partners to no end and truly wreaked havoc on their relationships. From one fellow withdrawer to another, I’m here to tell you that although many of us are great people, the withdrawal is horrible to be around and is truly toxic.
• Jim is so passive aggressive and avoidant that he goes stone silent when his girlfriend tries to speak about the slightest possible conflict. He has been known to blankly stare at her for two hours while she is franticly begging him to talk to her. (I have no idea why the heck his girlfriend is sitting there taking his outrageous behavior but…that’s another post).
• Sandy is constantly telling her husband she doesn’t want to talk about it, whenever “it” has the potential for conflict. When he tries to bring something up she stops the conversation and will literally walk out of the room if he asks her to please just talk; she does this no matter how calm and relational her husband is.
• Tom has become the master at making his wife pay for “making him angry” (which by the way she can’t do since no one “makes” you feel anything…you are responsible for your own joy, anger, frustration etc). Tom stares out her, says he’s done talking and then goes into a cold freeze for THREE TO FIVE DAYS!!! What???? He literally does not acknowledge she’s alive for days; doesn’t say hello, goodbye, or anything in between.
These are just some of the examples I’ve come across in my work with couples and I cannot underestimate the damage of this type of response in relationships. When one partner shuts down, s/he has basically put the relationship in a straight jacket; no changes can be made, no solutions can be found, and no repair happens. They render their partner helpless and create unbelievable anger and resentment that never gets dealt with.
If you happen to be the one who shuts down…STOP IT! There’s no other way for me to say it. You need to grow up and act like the adult you are and learn to negotiate differences and manage problems rather than avoid them. If you constantly avoid difficult topics or close down the conversation when it gets remotely uncomfortable, then each issue will piggy back on the one before; soon you will have unresolved issue the size of Mount Everest. Very few relationships can ever climb that mountain and survive.
The way out of this destructive pattern is to first recognize how destructive it is. Stop blaming your withdrawal on your partner’s behavior. You withdraw because…you CHOOSE to withdraw. Next, commit to not withdrawing no matter how hard it seems. You can take a time out…and come back to revisit the conversation but do not withdraw. Force yourself to speak, if not in the moment, then ten minutes after the moment. Use breath work to settle down and remind yourself that it’s not healthy to ignore people; the silent treatment is cold and abusive…and it destroys relationships. Also remind your self that you are teaching your children an incredibly unhealthy model for handling disagreements.
If I can do it, I have total faith you can do it also. Start speaking up with those who are the safest to do so with. Begin with smaller issues and issues with less intensity AND BEGIN! Be determined to stop acting like a baby and start stepping into being an adult—it feels soooo much better I promise.
CHALLENGE: If you withdraw or shut down with your partner, commit to stopping it. Begin to stay in the conversation a little longer each time. Ask for a time out when you need it and then come back ten-twenty minutes later and try again. Use breath work throughout the conversation to help ground you. Let me and the readers know how you do…