- Tom said he didn’t want to go out to eat and would rather eat at home. Sally was certain he just wanted to get her upset…so she yells at him for not doing anything she wants to do.
- Karen asked Scott to help put the kids to bed. Scott “knows” she’s just trying to get him to not watch his television show…so he snaps at her and tells her not tonight.
- Sue asks Dan what’s wrong. He replies that he’s stressed about work. Sue’s certain he said that because he’s trying to make her feel guilty for staying home with the kids…so she brushes off his concerns and walks away in a huff.
We interpret our partner’s behaviors all the time. We think we know the real reason they do what they do and we further believe that any explanation they give is just an excuse to cover what’s really going on. We then treat our partners as though our interpretations are correct and they’re lying.
Let’s look for a moment at the above scenarios with different information:
- Tom said he didn’t want to go out to eat because…he had been out to eat every night for the past four nights when he was away on business.
- Karen asked Scott to help with the kids because… she had been throwing up all day and was exhausted.
- Dan was stressed about work because…he just found out his company was going to lay-off 100 employees.
On any given day there are a thousand different possible reasons we do what we do. There are also a thousand possible reasons our partners do what they do. We do NOT know what’s going on in another person’s mind and nor do they know what’s going on in ours. No one has the power to mind read—no matter how much they think they do.
Stop believing that you know what your partner’s thinking. Stop acting on your interpretations and instead treat your partner as a separate human being who may actually think differently than you believe. When you assume you know what’s really going on, you’re being presumptuous and often way harsher than the reality. This is unfair to your partner and damaging to the relationship.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to all the ways you give meaning to your partner’s actions. Notice how often the meaning you give is a negative interpretation. Instead, be determined, for the next two weeks, to give no interpretation to his/her behavior. If you think there’s a negative reason for the behavior then check it out…and then trust that your partner was being honest.