I receive e-mails, blog comments, and inquiries from women and men all the time describing miserable relationships and poor treatment.
For example:
* “I have 5 kids by my husband and he has two with another woman. I have reason to believe she is pregnant again. He is with her every other night.”
* “He doesn’t think I’m the most important part of his life. All I know is that someone with a brain would not stand for this man. He is arrogant, selfish, and self centered.”
* “My fiancé and I have been together for nearly three years and are getting married in less than 6 months. Last week, I found out that he has been chatting, texting, and posting on sex sites. One site is for locals who meet up for “casual encounters” and his post was very disturbing.”
* “She overreacted and then gave me the silent treatment for 3 days over one incident I did 20 years ago when I was just kid.”
*”Yes my girlfriend of 14 years has always cheated on me from day one.”
Unfortunately, in these e-mails is also a host of excuses for staying and continuing to take the poor treatment.
* “I’m a single parent, without a job, my son has ADHD, so he can be EXTREMELY difficult to deal with at times, and I just don’t see a whole lot of men who would be willing to sign on, and begin a relationship with me.”
* “I’m staying for the sake of my son.”
* “But I love him and he loves me and there’s so much potential…”
* “I’m trying to move on from this and give him a last chance because I think he does regret things, but he’s scared to tell me the truth”?
Unfortunately, the longer we stay in relationships that are hurtful, the more likely we are to stay in hurtful relationships. Why? Because each day we stay, without significantly standing up for ourselves (with our actions not just words), we chip away at our own sense of self worth. We begin to question ourselves rather than our partners. We start to feel horrible about how we’re being treated and even more horrible that we’re accepting the treatment. It begins a vicious cycle that ends in even worse treatment and a greater loss of self.
WAKE UP…if you’re being treated poorly than only you can stop that treatment. Stop excusing your partner’s harshness, abuse, affairs, addiction etc., and start standing up for yourself and stopping it…even if that means leaving.
First, try to do everything you can to change it…AND, if you’re partner is not willing to work it (i.e. end the affair, get into addiction treatment, get into couples therapy/coaching) then be willing to leave. The cost of staying in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is too high for you and/or your children.
Acknowledge your fear and take the steps you need to take to get stronger. Do not pretend that staying with a partner who’s having numerous affairs is going to be helpful to your children. Stop settling because you think no one else would want you. If you have no money—get to work so you don’t have to rely on your partner.
Get stronger and healthier and you’ll feel like a whole different person. You will then realize you have a lot to offer someone and you won’t settle for less from someone else. If your relationship is unhealthy, then YOU need to get healthy.
CHALLENGE: If you’ve been excusing your partner’s poor treatment then commit to stopping that today! Instead, get clear about the problem behavior and make a plan to directly address it. Be clear with your partner what you expect and what you will do if s/he does not hold up their side. Then follow through and do what you said.