Tracy was so angry at her husband’s second affair she could hardly be in the same room with him without spewing out profanities, insults and endless tears. She made sure she told him what a louse she thought he was and how it sickened her to even look at him.
After her husband’s first affair, Tracy had been very clear that if it happened again, this marriage would be over. When it happened again, she was clear that this was the last chance she was going to ever give him. When he continued to have contact with his mistress, Tracy yelled and screamed and told him he had to leave if he continued to have contact.
Each time there was an indiscretion, Tracy let her husband have it. She was not going to take this kind of treatment.
This continued for years and became an endless dance of indiscretions and blow ups. Tracy’s husband would minimize the incident and Tracy would “not let him get away with it,” making sure she yelled and screamed about his poor treatment of her. She let him know what she thought. She made sure he knew she was angry. She was determined to not be like “those other women” who just lie down and take it. She was going to fight back.
The irony, however, is that all the while Tracy was telling her friends, herself and anyone else who would listen that she was not about to let him get away with it… she was indeed letting him get away with it. The reality is that Tracy was taking poor treatment; she just couldn’t see this because of her anger. Tracy’s anger served as a blindfold. As long as she was yelling and screaming she could fool herself into thinking she wasn’t taking it. She was, after all, calling him on it, wasn’t she?
Many women get caught up in the deception that if they yell, scream and vehemently call their partner to the carpet for their misdeeds, they are not taking poor treatment. This is a lie we tell ourselves. Talking about what we don’t like, yelling about what we don’t like, and complaining about what we don’t like is not the equivalent of not taking poor treatment.
Not taking poor treatment is about…NOT TAKING POOR TREATMENT. It’s about ACTION. If you don’t want to take poor treatment, then stop taking it. Stop talking about what you don’t like and start acting on it. Jumping up and down like a wild person is not helping you, your partner or your situation. Begin to stand up for yourself from a strong, calm, centered place. This place MUST involve calm words and grounded actions. Stop the yelling and start the actions. (In Tracy’s case this might look like her following through with an in-house separation until he’s in on-going therapy, cuts all ties with his mistress — business or otherwise — and stops lying on even the smallest of points. If he continues to blow it, she ends the relationship).
Women often fall short of taking actions because we’re so damn scared of not being liked, being left or being alone. This fear stops us in our tracks. It keeps us in toxic relationships and it is our Achilles heel to creating healthy ones.
Until, however, we are able to feel the fear and take action in spite of it, we are destined to be in unhealthy relationships. Let’s not pretend that angry words said in an intense way, is remotely about us standing up for ourselves. Truly standing up for ourselves requires fewer words and significantly more actions. Although this is enormously more difficult, the results are truly life changing.
CHALLENGE: Watch all the places you spew out threats, anger and intensity, and instead commit to step in with a calm, centered energy. Back up this centeredness with few words and significant (respectful) action. Pay attention to the impact of this change on you and your relationships.