I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to listen to the Dalai Lama recently. He was funny, grounded and full of wisdom. From a relationship standpoint, I was struck by his comment that all suffering is caused by delusion and attachment. As I played with the way this concept applies to relationships, it really started to make sense.
People are often deluded into thinking they’re not worthy, not good enough or not deserving. This delusion leads people to “take” all sorts of things they shouldn’t be taking: abuse, lies, contempt, addiction, etc. When we are deluded into thinking we’re not worthy, we begin to feel bad about ourselves. This feeling permeates our reality and stays with us like a gray cloud. We begin to think less of ourselves, which sets us up to expect less from others. This reduced expectation results in our receiving less.
When this delusion is combined with attachment, it’s the final nail in the coffin for relationships. With respect to relationships, we are often attached to them working well. We want to be liked. We want a family. We want someone to love us. We don’t want to be alone. We can have an endless number of attachments in terms of relationships. When these attachments go beyond a “like” and into a desperate wanting, our relationships are in trouble.
The delusion of not being enough when combined with an unhealthy attachment often leads to a lot of suffering…and settling. We settle for poor treatment, unhealthy relationships, defiant kids, poor job conditions, one-way friendships, emotionally toxic homes and on and on. Needing a relationship to work, our child to like us, our boss to respect us or (fill in the blank)… sets us up for suffering. It sets us up to accept less than we deserve.
When we accept less than we deserve, we begin to believe we deserve less.
In reality, every single one of us deserves to be treated well, loved honestly and respected always. Anything less is not enough. Our loved ones, by the way, also deserve the same from us. When we know this to the core of our being, change will happen. When we are no longer desperately attached to our relationships, we allow room for them to grow. Combine this detachment with the knowledge that we deserve to be treated well and our relationships can soar.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to the delusions and attachments that have been taking hold in your life and begin to chip away at them. Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people at all times and realize that needing anything at all costs is unhealthy. Let go of desperate attachments and trust yourself to be able to handle what life throws at you.