“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Maya Angelou
While reading Pam Slim’s new book, Escape From Cubicle Nation (a great book, by the way), I came across this Maya Angelou quote. The quote hit a chord in me regarding my work with women and relationships. I single out women, because it’s my experience that women struggle with blinders on an entirely different scale from men.
Women often fail, or refuse to see, the person right in front of them—even when that person is wearing a neon sign. For example, they’ll be drawn to a man who is known to be a “player,” yet become shocked when he ends up “playing” with someone else. It’s an interesting thing we women do — we see the issue, but we don’t think that issue will apply to us. It’s crazy, I know, but that’s what we do. We think we can change him or wow him, or we cloud our lens enough to make his issue go away. We are then shocked when the issue shows up again.
Here are several common examples of us women not listening to men’s messages about who they are:
• Tom had two affairs on his first wife. His last affair (with his current wife, Sally) is what led to the end of his marriage. Sally is now devastated that Tom is having an affair on her. She can’t believe he would do that to her.
• Jax took money from Callie when they first met. He swore he would never do it again, he was just temporarily desperate. He also lied when he told her he was divorced because he knew she wouldn’t date him if he told her the truth. Callie just found out Jax was fired from his job two weeks ago due to taking money from his company. She can’t believe he would do something like that.
• Steve was a party animal when Dana first met him. He was so much fun to hang out with. She loved how outgoing he was. Six years later she can’t believe that Steve is an alcoholic — she always thought it was a phase and that marriage would change him.
My mentor, Terry Real, has a saying, “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck…it’s a duck.” For some reason we seem to think that, although they may look like a duck and act like a duck, underneath they’re really a swan. This type of thinking does not help us in relationships. When women keep trying to look for what’s underneath, they miss the glaring neon side right in front of them.
If he looks like a player, acts like a player and talks like a player…he’s a player. Nothing you do is going to change that fact. It’s not about you. Stop thinking it is. Stop thinking you can change him or that he’ll naturally change because of his love for you. This is wishful thinking and without evidence from him that he’s changing, it’s harmful thinking.
Instead of falling in love with someone’s potential, look at the reality. Look at what’s right in front of you. Dare to see it. Listen to Maya Angelou’s words, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Everyone in the world has potential; many people never reach it. Stop looking past what they’re showing you and accept what’s right in front of you.
CHALLENGE: Scan your relationship with an authentic eye. Is there something right in front of you that you’re pretending isn’t there? If so, dare to look at it, acknowledge it and deal with it directly. Handling the truth is better than living a lie; trust in your strength.