I often talk about women setting limits on men, however in this post I want to discuss men setting limits on women. In particular, I am referring to conflict-avoidant men with high intensity, reactive women.
A common couple combination I see in my office is quiet, conflict-avoidant men, with angry, controlling and reactive women. The women are often furious at the men for not talking, being passive-aggressive and making agreements that they seldom keep. Upon closer inspection, it’s clear that the men are, indeed, all those things.
What’s often missing, however, from this picture is the other side of the equation—the women.
Many of the women in these types of couples become intense, critical and furious when they don’t like something the man did or didn’t do. They yell, scream, make threats and become demeaning. In response, the men cower, turn passive-aggressive and go underground.
These men seldom set limits on their partner’s rage. Instead, they try to placate the women by making empty promises, shutting down or making a frantic effort to do what she says.
What the men need to do is stop taking such outrageous behaviors.
These men need to set limits. In fact, anyone who is living with a partner who is intense, reactive and controlling needs to set limits. When you jump to attention every time your partner becomes reactive and intense, you teach your partner that their intensity works. Your silence reinforces your partner’s intensity and fury. The only way to stop that reinforcing is to set limits on it—regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. You need to stop taking it.
Many men refuse to stop taking this kind of behavior. In fact the very thought of setting a limit on their partner causes them to break out in a sweat. The truth is that the men are scared of their partners…and often with good reason. Many highly intense women feel that their rage is justified and they can be quite scary and retaliatory. However, just as it’s not smart for women to cower in the face of their partner’s temper, it’s not smart for men to cower either.
Men are not doing us women any favors by allowing us to get away with being emotionally abusive. In fact, you are doing us—and yourselves—a disservice. When you don’t stand up to us, we then think less of you. We also will continue doing what works. If yelling gets you to step up then by all means STEP UP, DAMN IT!
Moreover, you are doing your children a disservice when you don’t stand up to their raging mother. If you’re afraid of her, imagine what your children feel. It’s your job to keep your children safe—even if that means safe from their mother’s wrath. If you don’t, your children will struggle with the same issues in their marriage as their parents are struggling with in theirs. The only question is whether your child will choose to become the hammer (their mother) in their relationship or the nail (you). You need to teach them they don’t need to be either. You can only do that by standing up to the rage.
CHALLENGE: If you are a quiet, conflict-avoidant male, living with an intense, reactive female, then stop ducking and stand up to the reactivity. Set a limit and stand behind it. It’s not okay for your partner to be emotionally abusive and you need state that (respectfully, clearly and firmly). When you stand up to her rage it is the best gift you can give to her, your relationship and your family.
NOTE: All the information in this post also goes for women setting limits. I chose to focus on the men because too many men are letting too many women off the hook and it is not helping women.