I’ve been receiving e-mails from men regarding their partners having affairs. The message to men is the same as it is for women: you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who treats you well. If your partner has an affair, the only way to begin the healing is if your partner is willing to repair the damage.
Repairing the damage requires that the person who had the affair first and foremost is remorseful. Yikes—do I really have to say this? Please—men and women alike—if your partner is not remorseful after having an affair, your relationship is dead unless they get remorseful. Partners who justify or blame their partners for their straying will NOT make good partners. That is ludicrous.
Here’s the rule: no remorse—no healing. If your partner is not remorseful for the pain they caused DO NOT TRUST THEM. Get into couples work. If your partner is not remorseful and refuses couples work–then walk. Really–walk fast.
Lack of remorse is a major indicator of an on-going affair or a high probability of another affair in the future. Do not allow your fear and/or desperation to keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy.
There must be remorse for any healing to take place. Learn to recognize what is and is not remorse. True remorse can be seen and felt. You will also see it through their actions. When someone is remorseful, they are willing to do whatever’s necessary to repair the damage they did. They will make sure to answer your calls to help reassure you that they are where they said they would be. They’re willing to talk to a professional to help you process what happened. They’re willing to open their e-mail and cell phone to you for a period of time, if that’s what you need. They’re willing to sit with you and hold you when you get triggered about the affair.
Are you getting the gist of what remorse looks like? Hearing the words I’m sorry is not remorse. You should FEEL it. Do not settle for just the words.
If your partner is not remorseful for betraying you—your relationship is in trouble. If they’re justifying their affair because of how you are as a spouse—your relationship is in trouble.
CHALLENGE: If your partner is not remorseful for their affair or justifies it because of your behavior, insist on seeing a professional who is strong enough to hold your partner (and yourself, when necessary) accountable directly and unequivocally. If they refuse, know that the future of your relationship does not look bright. Have the strength to take care of yourself and get the help you need to do that.