Time and again I see, hear or am told about people intensely reacting to feedback, difficulties, accidental mishaps, less than caring interactions etc. When I witness reactivity first hand, I’m often taken aback by it’s intensity and volatility. People in its path can experience shock, panic, anger or a sense of frozen hopelessness.
Some examples of “intensely reacting” include:
Screaming, yelling or calling someone names in response to something you believe they did or didn’t do.
Tearing off in your car and screeching the tires in a fit of anger
Slamming your fist down in anger in response to some perceived slight
Falling apart crying, pleading, begging or becoming hysterical in response to something other than death or tragedy
Physically attacking someone or threatening them in response to some slight
Becoming highly defensive and intense in response to someone’s criticism
If you tend to be reactive, chances are you don’t see, get or understand the impact of your intensity on others. Chances are, that more times than not, you believe that your reactivity is justified, caused by incidents or persons beyond your control or that people are too sensitive and need to toughen up.
Being highly reactive or intense is common among people who had chaotic, unsafe or volatile families. Typically there was a lot of yelling, screaming and bullying in your family of origin and so it’s only natural you bring this to your own family. I like to say “we live what we know”.
Screaming, raging and intense reactivity is like living in a combat zone. It’s scary, unsafe and emotionally toxic. Children never know when the next bomb is going to go off. If you grew up in a family like this, I’m very sorry–you deserved better. If you’re recreating this dynamic in your family or relationships today–the people in your life deserve better as well. Stop defending, minimizing or blaming your actions on the behaviors of others and step in with courage to create the safe, calm, respectful environment that you and your family deserve.
Volatility creates a nasty legacy of anger, rage and emotional violence. The bottom line is there’s no excuse for abuse. Yelling, bullying, name calling and belittling people is abusive. Clean it up and set the seeds for a new legacy that you and your family can be proud of.
CHALLENGE: If you are highly reactive, chances are you’re reading this shaking your head yes–thinking about other people in your life who are reactive. Because we all have blind spots, I’d like you to take a moment think about the following questions.
Has anyone ever told you: They were afraid of you or that you were volatile, intense, harsh or abusive?
Have you ever thought that you were intense and reactive?
Were you raised with anyone who was very volatile and intense?
Have you heard from two or more people/sources that you have an anger problem, are reactive, scary or intense?
If you answered yes to two or more of the above questions, chances are you struggle with reactivity/intensity/volatility. If this is true, know that we all struggle with something. Take in this information, hold yourself with warm regard and commit to taking this negative anger and reactivity out of your life and your families life by working on it.