Whether you’re an adolescent trying to figure out who you are or a grown woman who has lost herself somewhere along the way, finding yourself is vital to being happy in life. Too often females lose themselves through a series of countless attempts to try to fit in, be liked, be loved or to please those around them. When we constantly twist ourselves into a pretzel to be regarded well at all times, we end up losing ourselves.
Being liked by everyone is an impossible feat. No matter how hard we try, we will never be liked or loved by everyone, nor will we fit in with everyone. And this fact is not a bad thing—it’s simply the nature of humanity. Striving to reach an unreachable goal not only doesn’t make sense, it sets us up for failure. It also leads to immense unhappiness because the only way to even come close to achieving the unachievable goal would be to constantly give in, repeatedly go along to get along and to endlessly over-accommodate others. In other words, it would require a loss of self in order to gain the attentions of others; not a wise plan for anyone to make.
Instead of fighting to get everyone to like us, a more attainable–and life-changing goal–would be for us to learn to like ourselves and then dare to authentically be ourselves. In order to be our authentic self, we have to first figure out who we are to our core. Below are some tips to help you find yourself again—or perhaps discover yourself for the first time. Take the time to explore these steps—the world needs YOU, not an imposter who looks like you.
1. Tune in: Pay attention to your thoughts, your beliefs and your take on things. Ask yourself questions and then get quiet enough to hear the answers.
2. Tune out: Tune out the voices, opinions and pressures of the world at large. When you were little you parroted back your parents’ beliefs—today refuse to parent. Allow others to have their views and opinions without turning their opinions into your opinions. THINK for yourself and get the other voices out of your head.
3. Notice your body’s responses: When something goes against our beliefs, we can often feel it in our body: the hairs on the back of our neck go up, we stiffen, our muscles get tight and we may have a visceral reaction. Listen to what your body is telling you—it’s a key clue to what you believe.
4. Note likes: Take the time to figure out what you like about yourself, your life and the world at large. Do you like nature, dogs, cats, swimming, walking, funny movies, scary movies, mysteries or none of the above? Try new things and take note of which things you enjoy and which you don’t. What character traits do you like? What do you like about yourself? Actively pay attention.
5. Note dislikes: Tune in to the things that drive you crazy, annoy you, frustrate you and turn you off. What characteristics in yourself do you not like and how would you like to change them? What things in others don’t you like? Notice these without feeling bad, judgmental or questioning—again, just notice them.
6. Cultivate your instincts: Learn to listen to your gut. If someone gives you that “ick” feeling, don’t question it—note it and proceed with caution. When something doesn’t feel right, know that it probably isn’t. Begin to trust your instincts–EVERYONE has them. Your instincts are one of your greatest guides to life. Cultivate them!
Finding yourself requires that you learn to listen to yourself rather than question yourself. Refuse to judge your thoughts, question your feelings or second-guess your instincts. Don’t hide your opinions, lie about your likes and dislikes or pretend something doesn’t feel “off” when it does. Stop judging what you think and feel and start honoring your thoughts and feelings, instead. The more practiced and aware you become at noticing, the quicker you will find your authentic self. You are a gift—allow the world to experience you.
Challenge: If you’ve lost yourself or haven’t ever truly discovered yourself, take the time to tune in. Be deliberate about paying attention to the key points above and enjoy the process of discovery. Share your journey with us as you do!