Women often fight immoderately–either overshooting or undershooting. When they overshoot, they yell, control, go on and on incessantly, or make repeated empty threats, all of which are ineffective. When women undershoot, they accommodate, say yes when they mean no, take whatever they’re given, and either shut down, distance, get resentful, or get depressed.
Instead, women need to get healthier within themselves. They need to believe in themselves, trust that they deserve to be treated well, know that others also deserve to be treated well, then stand in confidence behind these beliefs.
Standing in confidence means not settling for less-than-respectful behaviors, standing up for yourself when others are off, and surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and cherish you. It also means treating others respectfully at all times–even in anger; stating calmly, respectfully, and firmly what you’re upset about; and setting a limit rather than blasting others. It means being clear about what you want and need without stomping on others, nagging, or making empty threats.
I hear from women all the time that men are entitled and come to the plate with the freedom to leave, with the power of privilege. Women also have the freedom to leave. The difference is they make that choice much less often and with a great deal of struggle.
It’s no surprise that men have power and privilege in our culture…however, women have more power than they realize. In fact, at times they actively give their power away. We can’t look at men’s entitlement and power without looking at women’s subservience and abdication. We can’t be treated poorly time and time again by our partner unless we allow ourselves to be treated poorly time and time again. This is true for our bosses, children, friends, and anyone else in our inner circle.
Women hand over their power again and again. They rationalize why they’re in the relationships they’re in; all the while they keep themselves stuck. I see women begin to address an issue with their partner and then drop it–as though it’s not worth the effort. She rationalizes her quitting because: He’s trying but just “can’t” do it, he’s a good guy, the kids would be hurt if she left, he’s stressed, she’s too tired, and on and on. The end result is that women accept poor treatment, bad marriages, disrespectful kids, bullying bosses…as though these are OK.
Women listen up…IT’S NOT OK! Stop giving up or blowing up and take on the fight–every time…with a calm strength. The longer you abdicate your power (to anyone) by saying nothing in response to someone’s contempt or disrespect, you imply that their actions are OK. You teach them that you are not worthy of being treated well. If you won’t stand up for yourself, then why should they? If you don’t think it’s important for others to treat you well, and back that belief up with your actions, then why would they treat you well?
The longer you accept disrespect and poor treatment–from anyone including your boss, child, friend, or partner–the stronger the message to both you and them, that you are insignificant.
STOP IT…you are not insignificant. You deserve to be treated well AT ALL TIMES, BY ALL PEOPLE. Until you know this and live by it, your relationships are bound to be difficult.
Your first choice needs to be standing up in a marriage not running away from a marriage. Make the choice that you are worth the fight–every time–and then step in whole heartedly and relationally.
CHALLENGE: It’s a privilege to be in my inner circle and only those who treat me well get to enter that circle and remain in that circle. Place this rule on a 3×5 card and paste it where you can see it daily. Read it every day and begin to center your relationships on this belief.