When I ask people if they know of any couples who they believe have a healthy relationship, I’m shocked at how many people say no. Most people laugh when I ask that question. Some get quiet and ponder the couples they know in their head and slowly scratch one couple after the next off the list. Sadly, parents seldom make this list.
Although many of you are not going to believe this, creating healthy relationships are much easier than you think. There area a few basic ingredients or building blocks that are pivotal. Once you get these building blocks down you can add a few more key ingredients and move up from healthy to enriching. Let’s start first with healthy:
Key Ingredients necessary for healthy relationships:
1. Always be respectful even when angry. I cannot believe the number of people who think it’s no big deal to yell or swear at their partner. Yelling, swearing or calling your partner names IS A BIG DEAL!!! It stops intimacy and connection in its tracks. I don’t care if that was how you were raised or if you think it’s not that big a deal, you cannot have a healthy relationship if you’re not respectful. Period. Clean up the disrespect; this includes rolling your eyes, sighing and using a derogatory tone when you’re speaking. This one shift will drastically change your relationships.
2. Don’t take things so personally. Use a better boundary. Learn to decipher what’s about you and what’s not about you. If your partner had a bad day and comes home mean-spirited—first, realize that their mood is not about you. Second, set a limit. Third, don’t allow your partner’s bad day to become your bad day.
3. Be interested in each other’s lives. Do not make your entire life about your children, job or whatever other distraction you can think of. Check in daily with one another about how their day was. Ask how things are going. Get curious. Get interested and be each other’s friend.
4. Deal with issues in the moment. When something bothers you, speak it. Trying to avoid conflict is the quickest path to divorce. Avoidance leads to a build up of resentment. This includes being so angry with your partner that you don’t speak to them for hours or even days. Ignoring someone is rude. Grow up and deal with issues directly and in a respectful manner.
5. Be spiritually kind. Before you can work on adding kind acts to relationships, you need to have a kind spirit. Too many couples treat one another with contempt. They speak down to one another, make sarcastic comments and constantly point out the other’s mistakes. Sometimes one partner becomes the butt of all family jokes or gets “teased” when out with friends. This gets old fast. You need to have a sense of reverence for your partner. If there’s an issue you’re annoyed with then deal with it head on. Otherwise, speak to your partner with love. Speak about your partner with love. Insure that those around you do the same, beginning with modeling this yourself.
The tips above are some of the basics necessary to have healthy relationships. If you’re doing all of these 95% of the time, chances are you have a healthy relationship. If you’re not then you might want to think about what changes YOU can make to get your relationships more healthy. Clean up your side and hold your partner accountable for doing the same. It doesn’t matter how you were raised, disrespect is disrespect. Stop justifying it and start removing it from your lives.
CHALLENGE: Scan the list above and choose the one item on the list that your partner says you do that creates the biggest problem for your relationship. Don’t challenge it or dismiss it and instead work to change it. Be diligent about this for one month and let us know what happens. Good luck!